by Judy M McCutcheon
I am sitting in my hotel room feeling a weird kind of sorry for myself. I made travel plans in early December, to travel in the latter part of December, all of January, and a bit of February.
The main reason was to get some much-needed dental work done, as well as visit family and friends and I also signed up and paid for a retreat somewhere in between. Somewhere along my journey, I got Covid-19 and in my mind, everything came tumbling down. I am not worried from a physical standpoint, because I have all my shots including my booster, and truth be tdold I had no symptoms, save and except for a cough that I attributed to the change in the weather. So, here I am in my beloved Belize and unable to move about. My dental plans got pushed back 2 weeks and of course, my retreat plans have gone up in smoke. Sigh. I am now ready to burn it all down. All those creepy thoughts of not “enough-ness” came tumbling in. I started questioning every decision I made in 2021 because I am sure that if I look back, I can see where every decision was a failure.
Because I am very aware of the full range of my feelings and emotions, I know that I am in a funk. The first 2 days were the hardest for me. I kept thinking that I’d wasted all this time travelling, I’d wasted my money on the retreat. My mind even took me back to when I thought maybe I shouldn’t sign up for the retreat as confirmation that, yes, I did waste my money. My thoughts in those 2 days were all death and destruction, no clear path in the sight. I even wondered if the work I do make any sense. I started looking at what others were doing and how they were winning and thought, what a loser. This one little covid positive diagnosis made all my years upon this earth worthless. Just imagine. Physically I am doing great, but just for a small moment, my mental state got messed up. Imagine having to live through this with the death of loved ones. But it takes a village indeed. When I told my older brother he laughed and that gave me a different perspective. At first, I was annoyed that he laughed, but then I thought that I am up and about with no physical discomfort from the disease, I can breathe and have normal conversations, why shouldn’t I laugh at my thoughts that seem so silly.
All I wanted to do was talk to someone who would not judge my decision to travel when and how I did because I also got that from others. I just wanted someone whom I could tell how I truly felt, who would listen to me feeling sorry for myself, and allow me to be for just a second. In my meditation my friend, Dr Safeeya Mohammed came into my spirit and when I reached out to her, she told me that she was just meditating, and I came into her spirit. God finds ways to get His message delivered; don’t you ever forget that God always wants what’s in your best interest. And so my friend became a conduit for me today. She allowed me to just be without any judgment, without any advice, without any scolding. Sometimes all we need is for someone to be a witness to our feelings, just for someone to SEE us in our moments and acknowledge that our feelings are valid. Look around you, wherever you may be. There is so much death and sadness brought on by our human responses to Covid -19. So many have lost loved ones, so many are suffering from mental health issues, so many have lost jobs and livelihoods.
I remember the death of my nephew as if it happened yesterday and the wound is still raw as if it indeed happened yesterday. I lost both my father and brother at the height of the pandemic in 2020, I have not allowed myself to mourn those 2 deaths, as I did not want to deal with the pain of loss, but I think that this is the moment for me. I was questioning the use of this time alone and what it means. I think it means time for me to step back a bit and grieve for what was, what could have been, and then release it and use the time to embrace what is and what could be. I know that many of us are questioning the senseless loss of lives at this time and I also know that so many of us are suffering both mentally and physically from the devastation brought on by Covid. We may not see the silver lining, but there is always one. Can you use this time to mend old fences with family and friends? Can you use this time to build new bridges to relationships and love? Can you use this time to give yourself grace, to acknowledge that you are indeed human and human things do happen to us? Can you use this time to embrace all of who you are and to just be in flow, knowing that no matter what you might be facing at this time, that it all works out? Can you allow yourself to love you?
©2022 All Rights Reserved.
Judy McCutcheon is a certified John Maxwell Leadership Coach and the CEO of Go Blue Consulting.